“My hour has not yet come.”…. (John 2:4).
This morning I sensed that something needed to die in my heart. It’s something in my heart that I have a deep longing for. However, it’s a place I hear God saying, “Heather, you’ve got to give this up if you really want to be my disciple.”
I’ll be honest, I can’t say that I’m living in the places that I want to be right now. In the back of my mind I have thought, oh, this is only temporary. Surely, this place I am in will change soon. Yet, I hear the master saying, “Heather, aren’t I enough for you?”
I have lived most of my life always getting ahead and winning the prize. Now over the past few months, I’ve been turned down for jobs and haven’t gotten what I want. My hard work ethic and determination are not winning me any prizes in this season, except for one; the gift of rest.
I sensed that God was pressing me into a time of prayer and fasting. The thing is, what He’s showing me is not what I anticipated. I hear the master saying, “Heather, don’t you see, ministry, is not the purpose of life. It is not where your identity is found.” I hear Him saying, “any ministry I birth out of you in this season won’t be centered around your successes, but your brokenness.” I am hopeful that God will use me in a greater capacity in this season of rest and healing for His great glory.
Honestly, though, I have felt a little lost in this season. Ministry is the only thing I’ve known for over a decade of my life and now God is stripping me of that title to get to somewhere deep in my heart. I’ll be honest, in the back of my mind I knew I was being put into a season of rest, but I thought for certain God would call me back up soon. Now I hear Him saying, “let it all go, Heather, I want it to be just you and me.” He is jealous for me. That’s not wrong of Him. He wants my time, energy and efforts to be placed not on what I can do for Him, but on just simply knowing Him.
Oh Lord, you are taking me somewhere so deep in my heart it feels like you’re ripping me apart. As I lay down my life to you, I place my future and everything I have in your hands. I place working in full-time ministry on the chopping block. Lord, let it be so. Let it be just you and me.
There’s a place God wants to go with many of us. It’s the place we try to convince ourselves God doesn’t really want to go. Yet I hear God saying, “Heather, please let me go there. I want to make you new.” Where have you convinced yourself God didn’t want to go? Let Him go there, He wants to make you new.
Lord, let it be so. I am your kingdom worker, no matter where you have placed me. No matter what title I hold or don’t hold. I will never stop being your daughter. Help me to find my deepest and truest identity in that simple fact. Jesus, I am yours, Amen.