Confessions of a Control Freak

the land is to have a year of sabbath rest…. (Leviticus 25:4).

Look up the phrase “control freak” and you’ll find my name attached to it. Then, search for the word- “busy” and you’ll see my name near that one as well. Busy, control freaks don’t make for very good listeners, because in their own minds, they’ve already determined how things will be taken care of and have assumed responsibility for how that’s going to happen.
I have noticed in my own heart that my attempts at being a smart budgeter or making sure I get in enough exercise are really masked attempts to be in control of something I fear. The fear of money and the fear of being unfit all knock at the door of my heart and mind, trying to steal me away from resting in the Lord. To my own peril and exhaustion, they whisk me away into unhealthy places. Stealing my comfort and joy. Instead of a blessing, they become a burden that traps my heart in places of tiredness, anxiety, and worry.
This past year God has taken me on a journey into the places of my deepest fears. He has challenged me to enter into a place of Sabbath rest. A place where all of my vulnerabilities are exposed before Him. A place where the real me has been laid bare. I am finding that what lies before me is not condemnation from the Father, but instead, an exchange. A beautiful exchange where I trade in my burdens and He offers me delight and the richest of fare. As I release control I enter into a spacious place of God’s rest and promise. There’s so much freedom in letting go of my fears. In there, in the place of rest, I let go of my need to make things happen to let God be God.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t do this perfectly. I am still being changed and the process is still very difficult and painful. This morning I was asking God what He wanted me to give up and there was something in my heart that said, “No, not that. I’m not going there with you, Lord.” You see, my heart still wrestles with control. I recognized that this thought simply revealed an idol, so today, even in my discomfort, I’m laying it down, because I want to experience the delight of my Father’s love instead. I know in fifteen minutes I’ll be tempted to pick it back up again, so pray for me, as I will pray for you, that I will continue to rest in the Father’s love and not give way to my fears, in Jesus name.
Lord, I trust you. You are a loving, faithful God. I am a control freak with many fears. Forgive me for my rebellion. I want to live by faith. Jesus, be my greatest joy. I long to rest in your promises for my life, Amen.

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