I’m Disgusted by the Treasures I’ve Held Onto Nearly All My Life

 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also….. (Matt 6:21).

The Lord has been using this pregnancy to show me many treasures I have held fast to that are not of Him. I’ve gotta be honest, the depth of my selfishness is pretty gross. This issue has been running through my veins for many years and now, this beautiful baby that God is fashioning in my womb is something He’s using to press it out of me.
I am thankful for His pressing. I often feel my heart running towards what I’ve always known, towards worry, control and anxiety over what I want to have control over. Since I’ve always been able to control it before, it’s hard not being able to do anything about it now.
But, that’s what sin is for us, isn’t it? It’s a misunderstanding in our hearts of who’s really in control. Sin makes us believe that we’re the ones who are in power, when this couldn’t be further from the truth. Our love with control and vices of sin only keep us locked up in bondage. I know this to be true because I feel bound up in my own mind over this issue that the Lord wants to set me free from.
I’ve noticed though, at least for me, that when God starts to set us free, we must be careful not to jump from one issue to another. It’s easy to let go of one vice, but embrace another to replace it. The only way for us to not grab hold of something new is to hold fast to the goodness of God, to choose praise and to constantly release and let go of our vices before Him. I have found what God continues to meet me with as I surrender to Him, is grace. Yes, more grace to deal with whatever is before me. More grace to pour out into my heart that, sadly, sometimes loves myself the most. More grace to walk in the freedom that is mine in Christ, away from my vices and into His lasting joy.
One of Satan’s greatest distractions is in attempting to get us to believe that God’s blessings are actually burdens. I know this to be true, because I’m experiencing it now. The thought of having a child is a glorious thing, but there’s this other voice in me, straight from the enemy that wants to whisper lies into my heart and mind that this is a problem. I see how disgusting this is, because I recognize that really what lies beneath it all are lies that I’ve held onto in my life for far too long. They are chains I have wrapped my heart and mind around with selfish attempts to be in control.
I have nothing to say other than I am purely disgusted by the thought of them. I am disgusted by my vain attempts at control and need to have things a certain way in my life. I am disgusted by my love for myself and am thankful that God is fashioning something new in me to reveal things in me that need to die.
Oh Lord, I surrender to you. Please forgive me for my selfish heart. Thank you though that I have the mind of Christ. Thank you that His freedom and His grace resides in me. Thank you that your joy, peace and hope are my delight. Thank you that as I let go, I take up more of your grace, in Jesus name, Amen.

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