When My Doubt and Fear is Greater Than My Trust in God

According to your faith let it be done to you…. (Matt 9:29).

I am truly astounded by the simple, yet profound faith of so many people I see in the gospels. With a childlike faith, they believed in the healing power of Jesus and He responded with action to their requests of Him.
If I could be quite honest, more often than not, I feel a lot more like Thomas, who doubted, than much of these people who practiced simple faith. I doubt if God can pull through. I press into comforts I’ve always known and I slow my own process of sanctification because I just can’t see how God’s going to make a way, so I delay in responding with a child-like faith.
Maybe you can relate with my struggle. The struggle of believing that God is really who He says He is. The struggle that God can really move mountains, raise the dead and conquer my fears. This is where the rubber meets the road in my faith and if I could be quite honest, sometimes I go into panic mode instead of child-like faith mode.
Especially when things are outside of my control. The Lord is taking me on a deep journey into my heart where I’m being challenged to let go of what I’ve always known to trust Him. Can I be really honest? Some issues of control I’ve held onto so tightly in my life that trusting God with them feels scary or maybe even foreign, because I’ve never truly trusted Him with them. It feels like I’m giving something up that He might not hold with loving care. It’s like I’m believing that maybe He’ll mess it up if I let go of it too much. This is sinful behavior at its worst at work in my own heart and mind that I desperately need God’s grace to free me from.
The problem is, I start to feel held captive to my control over these issues in my life and I don’t like it, but since its all I’ve ever known its hard to begin something new. Yet, that’s what I want, because I want to be free in the Lord. I want a renewed heart and mind over these issues of control in my life. I want to see the Lord high and lifted up. I want to trust Him and believe that He is good.
I’ve noticed, over these past couple of days that as I reach out for prayer and ask others to pray for me in my struggle, I sense a renewed freedom. I don’t feel held captive to my fear and need for control when I live a life of honest transparency. Here’s why I think so many of us aren’t transparent, because, maybe just like me, you wrestle with these thoughts of,” I can’t share that, it makes me look like a failure in the eyes of God and others.” Instead of sharing, for the purpose of our own hearts renewal, we stay silent in the halls of our own darkness.
If we want to be free we just can’t live this way. We must be wiling to practice a simple, child-like faith, before God and others. Every child, if they have someone they can trust, shares their fears with them. Let’s be like children today and be willing to do the same.
Lord, forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for thinking that if I’m in control, everything will be alright. Lord, you hold my life, every part of it. Today, I choose to walk by faith and not by my own need for control. I yield every part of me to you and press into your grace because I need it desperately. Renew me in your love, in Jesus name, Amen.

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