When Generosity Reveals The Deep Idols Controlling My Heart

Of the land that we took over at that time, I gave the Reubenites and the Gadites the territory north of Aroer by the Arnon Gorge…(Dt 3:12).

Share what you have with others. I get that and in some ways its easy for me to do, but in areas where I hold things much to close to my heart, it just isn’t.
The other day, as I was talking with my husband, I shared with him about a current struggle I was dealing with. The Lord had prompted me the day before to be generous to someone and at first, I responded with glad and happy obedience. But, once it got down to the wire and I had to literally put my money where my mouth is something inside of me wanted to reach for control. As I described it to my husband I told him, it felt like my hand wanted to reach for that money, close my fist around it tightly and get it back.
It was weird. I kept asking the Lord for a “good feeling” so that I would know what I did was right, but honestly, good feelings didn’t follow. It almost felt more like a bit of regret mixed with doubt. I started doubting if I heard right from the Lord. I started to regret being generous, because what if I let all that money go and I didn’t have to?
Eeesh….my heart is so in need of God’s daily grace. As I reflect on that moment, I see now that God wasn’t making me feel good about it, because obedience doesn’t always feel good. Sometimes doing the right thing is more about standing in agreement with God’s truth even when good feelings don’t accompany it.
I’m not sure where life brings you today, but if you’re anything like me, there’s somewhere in your life that you struggle to be a generous person. I find it in the areas of my life where there are idols I battle up against. Those are the areas I wrestle with being generous the most. But, rest assured that when you take steps of obedience, it might not feel good, but that’s because God is chipping something away in you that needs to die. That process can be painful, but oh, it is so very purposeful.
Father, I long to be a generous person. I know I’m not always this way. I hold things too closely. Help me to live in a way where I go about my life with open hands before you. Ready to give with a glad and joyful heart. Lord, continue to chip away at my selfishness, in Jesus name, Amen.

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